How to stop pleasing and start having boundaries in your relationships
The question of having healthy boundaries in relationships comes up a lot in my coaching sessions.
It is also a topic that is dear to my heart as I have often struggled to create boundaries in my life and in my relationships. In fact, when I first heard the word I remember responding "what is a boundary?"! If you can relate to that thought, please know that you are not alone :)
So what is a boundary anyway?!
A description I love is that a boundary is a sacred circle that you draw around yourself. It is also like a safety bubble which you can increase or decrease, as you feel able to, for each person or environment.
Boundaries can sometimes be thought of as cruel, harsh or something that cuts you off from humanity! But actually, when done as intended, boundaries are loving and kind and compassionate. To yourself and others.
Two types of boundaries: external and internal.
External boundaries are in connection with someone else. Eg. setting a limit with your child about screen time. (a hot topic for me recently!) It gets crossed when they do something (not turning off that damn screen).
Whereas internal boundaries are your own boundary. Eg. Criticising yourself, or not following through on doing something that you set for yourself. These boundaries are crossed when you do something.
Why have good boundaries?
In a nutshell, having good boundaries makes relationships easier. We might think that sacrificing ourselves and pleasing others will do this, but the reverse often happens.
Boundaries will lead to better relationships, better (real) connection, and also create more joy and more space to get things done that matter to you because you have stopped pleasing others at the expense of yourself and your precious time!
The benefits of having clear boundaries in your life and honoring them are:
Self-worth. When you honor your own internal boundaries you feel good about yourself.
Safety
Confidence
Greater Ease
Healthy relationships
Energy - it is unbelievably draining operating in a way that means you are constantly accommodating others at the expense of yourself, or doing things you don’t want to, that make you feel drained or anxious.
Reflection prompt: Looking at the list of benefits, how would say you are currently in relation to all of these? Are you ready to experience these benefits in your life?
Having a WHY for your boundary.
As outlined above, there are many good reasons to set a boundary. It is important to be clear about your why each time as this will give you the strength to follow through on the boundary.
It is helpful to state your why as a right:
"I have the right to take care of myself."
"I have the right to feel safe."
Then, when it comes to creating the boundary, you can communicate your boundary in a calm, clear and grounded manner.
Example: you are invited to a family party and you know you are expected to go early to help with set up. However, you know that being with family at these types of occasions creates a lot of anxiety for you. So, in order to take care of yourself and your energy (which you have the right to do!) you decide to create a clear boundary around the party, telling your family: "I am not going to be there for the set up for the party. I will arrive there later on." When someone shows displeasure at what you are asking, it is time to acknowledge their feelings, yet stick firmly to your boundary! Something like: “I hear that you are upset with my decision to attend later. It is really important that I take care of myself in this way.”
When our boundaries are crossed
What usually happens when a boundary is crossed is that we respond (or react!) in one of three ways:
Avoiding
Accommodating
Attacking - shouting, shaming someone etc
Often we can flip between the first two - avoiding and accommodating. Unfortunately this response then leads to feelings of shame, anger or resentment. and then we end up in in the third response: attacking.
Using the example of the family party, what might happen is that, instead of sticking to your boundary, when someone shows upset at your choice to join later on, you relent and go along early to help set up the party and greet guests, and end up feeling angry or resentful.
Sound familiar?!
Reflection prompt:
Where in your last week have you felt anger or resentment? This points to a boundary being crossed. Remember this can be external or internal.
Why do we struggle with creating boundaries?
For many of us, we were not taught about - or modeled - boundaries. This is not intended to be a judgment about our caregivers, but more a recognition that this way of being in relationships has not really been made conscious until fairly recently, and a reminder for you not to feel bad about having terrible boundaries!
Not only that, but for most of us, when we are unable to set a boundary, or do not follow through on a boundary it is because we are afraid to upset others and be rejected or abandoned. Ultimately it is a belief and fear based on our core need to survive.
We are hard wired to 'people please' - some of us carry this trait more strongly than others. And this can lead to poor boundary setting.
People pleasing isn’t just about doing things for others. At a deeper level it is about sacrificing yourself and your values just to make others feel happier, at the cost of making yourself happy. It is about saying yes to things that override our own wishes and what makes us feel good.
So whilst it might serve us for a little while, helping us to survive and form relationships - friendships, happy bosses and colleagues, romantic partners etc which creates a sense of belonging; unfortunately this way of being in relationships starts to leave us feeling pretty rubbish after a while.
If this is the case for you, what is the solution? Being able to set clear boundaries of course :)
Stating and restating a boundary is not always easy, at least in the beginning. But it is really powerful.
Once you experience that, and how good it feels to take care of yourself, I promise you will be able to handle your fears about someone else’s upset. Because it is doesn't mean you don't care about others. Quite the opposite. You are being loving and compassionate to them and you when you set a boundary. Because you are clear and grounded and calm when you do it. And it is really hard to argue and be upset with someone who is showing up in that way.
Action prompt:
So, over to you. Is there something coming up for you in the next few weeks - a social gathering or work project, something that you feel you “should” do but don’t want to? This is a great opportunity to check in with yourself and see what you are saying yes to in order to avoid conflict or accommodate other people. Can you set a clear boundary instead?
Time to do things differently!
