I love my kids. BUT… (The Lost Daughter spoiler alert!)
That thought? Yep, I hear you.
Becoming a mother is one of THE most challenging life experiences. I watched The Lost Daughter recently & it was pretty provocative. It captures the claustrophobic aspect of being with children. Children who need you. And need to be close to you. Who sometimes literally, physically won’t let go of you.
The lead in the story, Leda (played by Olivia Coleman - incredible, as always) discloses to another mother that it felt amazing to leave her children behind. She shares about wanting to explode. And then actually being able to.
All of which I can relate to. Motherhood can leave you feeling separate, disconnected from those around you. Isolated and lonely. Mourning your old life and the freedoms it gave you. Wanting to escape. Especially in the early years. You have all these thoughts and feelings, and then you pile guilt and even shame on top of it.
Thankfully, the myriad complicated feelings that mothering provokes in us is talked about more these days (shows like Motherland and Catastrophe - thank you Sharon Horgan). But the whole idea of a mother rejecting her children is still so taboo. I am so grateful to Maggie Gyllenhall (and Elena Ferrante first of all) for bringing this tricky subject into the light.
Motherhood is complex. I know when I decided I wanted a baby, I didn’t really give much conscious thought to the fact that I was choosing to raise a human. A human that came from me and was going to be a mirror to all my light and dark qualities. A child that was going to bring up such a sense of feeling out of control which I would bury and then would spill out in rage (nearly always away from my child, screaming into a pillow, but not absolutely always). It is hard to admit. That your children can bring so much joy, and also so much desperation. Sometimes in literally the same moment.
The film keenly examines the conflict between the role of mothering and the role of a professional life - the desire to have something for yourself. To want more out of your life. To want to escape the role sometimes (or maybe all the time at this moment. That is OKAY). I heard someone say on a podcast recently “my kids either fill me with joy or I want to bury them in the backyard”! Wow. I loved it. How freeing to name these things out loud. It normalizes the experience and moves you from feeling alone to feeling connected as you move through it all.
There are two aspects of motherhood that I don’t think are talked about too often. First, that the initiation into motherhood is just that - an initiation. A rite of passage. When we experience a life initiation, there arises within us this calling to know and express our true purpose. Motherhood gives us that gift.
So whilst you may be tearing your hair out, exhausted, overwhelmed, know that this is a path to discovering and expressing your true purpose. So it is not a case of being a mum and then separately seeking what you are meant to do with your life, but instead using the experience of motherhood as a gateway to reveal what that purpose is. You don’t have to choose between one or the other. Though granted, when it comes to expressing your purpose, you may need to ask for some help! :)
The second thing that is rarely talked about: your children will show you, like a mirror, who you are. And the patterns of conditioning that you are bringing along with you. Whilst this can be very confronting at times, herein lies the gold. Having this child is an amazing opportunity to see yourself fully - to learn who you are and, if you do the inner work, who you are becoming. It allows you to let go of the patterns and conditioning that no longer serve you, so that you can discover and create what truly matters most to you. And you can bet the things that are getting in the way of your enjoyment of your child are also getting in the way of enjoyment elsewhere in your life too :)
The result? Greater freedom, confidence and joy.
What does this bring up in you? I would love to know.
Wishing you a beautiful restful weekend…
Elle xo
