Being introverted impacts not just partying but parenting too!
If you have ever done the Myers Briggs test you may have identified yourself as an introvert or extrovert. This test was inspired by the work of Carl Jung, whose original intention was to create understanding and insight into aspects of your personality which may be underdeveloped / in the unconscious. Sadly, since tests like Myers Briggs were created it has been used for people to attach themselves to a fixed personality (check out YouTube videos where people identify as their acronym) & more worryingly, these personality tests have been to exclude people from employment (see fascinating documentary “Persona: The dark truth behind personality tests”) . OK, I won’t get too sidetracked with a rant about that.
The important piece for today is this: what Jung realized was that each of us has a predisposition to one or other of these approaches to life - extraversion or introversion. As an extravert you instinctively reach out toward the world for energy; as an introvert you instinctively draw back when the world approaches you, drawing inward toward the psyche.
As Catherine Gray shares in her wonderful memoir “the unexpected joy of being sober” (more on that another time!): scientific research tells us that being an introvert or extrovert is all about blood flow in our brains. Extrovert brain blood flow is directed to the regions of the brain concerned with interpreting sensory data - making sense of the outside world. Whereas introvert brain blood flow is more pronounced to the frontal lobe, which deals with the internal processes of decision-making, memory, solving problems - our inner landscape.
She refers to another study which found that “extroverts’ brains get a buzz from human faces whereas in comparison, introverts’ brains are indifferent to them. Introverts like looking at flowers as much as faces. Basically, introverts can pretty much live without people. They’re happy to sit in a field with some daisies. They’ve already got a hive of activity in their head to attend to. Which is why masses of external stimuli , say a packed train station, can give an introvert ‘Overwhelm’”
Can you relate? I say Yes, yes, yes!
Being an introvert doesn’t mean we don’t like to socialize. I really do love a party or gathering! BUT. It does mean that we cannot do it all the time, as it drains us of energy, and we need recovery time afterwards. I know that if I have nothing sociable on the calendar I don’t do too well (mentally, well-being wise), but if I have ONE THING, two maximum in the week then I am all set :) I can happily meet a friend for lunch one day and then not talk to anyone for the next 3!
Whilst I already knew about the impact of being an introvert when it comes to socializing, it never really occurred to me to think about it in the context of parenting. Until it did.
At first I noticed how things that drained me didn’t affect my husband in the same way (who is most definitely an extrovert). Like how I literally couldn’t think or focus when there was too much kid noise happening. Or how I woke up on Mondays not just craving kid-free time but almost unable to cope with anyone. And then it struck me. It wasn’t that I didn’t have fun or that I didn’t enjoy the times together (mostly!) but at the end of an outing I was feeling depleted at a whole new level. Tank seriously empty.
So perhaps if you are an introverted mother, then, like me, you may frequently find yourself feeling overwhelmed in the company of your child(ren) when others don’t seem to bat an eyelid.
When you are in a family dynamic this is a little tricky. Children don’t understand that you are an introvert. That your energy is literally at zero and having them repeat things to you all day long isn’t helping to refuel the tank. Same with your spouse.
So what can we do about this?
Whilst you can certainly do work to access your inner opposite (your extraversion) and create more conscious balance in your personality, in the meantime you can learn to work with, rather than against your predisposed introverted self.
Perhaps the biggest thing is simply to acknowledge this aspect of yourself. To accept that what you need may be different from your partner or friends who are parents. Be kind to yourself about it.
Ever since I have made this connection, it has normalized those feelings of desperation that I experience when I face sensory overwhelm. It has allowed me to be more compassionate to myself. And then I have been able to take practical steps to manage my energy.
Some ideas I have been playing around with:
Create regular opportunities for some time out. Sometimes only a few minutes may be possible (especially in the early years). Maybe grabbing a cup of tea and taking yourself into another room for some quiet. Don’t feel guilty about it!
Hand over some of the parties to your partner. As mums we want to do it all, sometimes to our detriment! It won’t serve our child(ren) either if we are wiped out all the time.
Whenever you can, make a request for a chunk of time out to regroup and recharge. An energy reboot. This is where your partner really can really show you they care! Absolute silence and alone time AT HOME - because introverts don’t want to be out and about to recharge - is a wonderful gift to give an introverted mum.
Right now I am writing this whilst my husband and son are at football and my daughter naps. The house is completely quiet. It is BLISS. I can literally feel my body rejuvenating as I type. So simple yet so important for increasing the joy I experience in family life.
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, would this be a good time to make this request?! Not that this should be limited to a once a year event! Something to think about… (and yes, husband if you're reading this, I would like flowers too, please :)).
Oh and if you’re an extrovert reading this - does this give you more insight into your partner? Are there things you might do differently? What is your parenting experience like? I would love to know!
Wishing you a beautiful, quiet, weekend :)
Elle xo
