Create better relationships: why expectations ruin all good relationships and what you can do to change it.

An expectation (or its close cousin assumption) is a strong belief that something is certain to happen. 

When you run your life on the basis of expectations of other people - whether that is a team you manage, or your partner at home - then you might regularly find yourself thinking things such as: “Oh I thought you were going to take care of that” or “isn’t that something you are meant to do as part of your role?”. 

You are operating on the basis that certain things will simply happen, without actually communicating that or creating an agreement. We do it all the time. (we also do it to ourselves, but that is probably the subject of another post…:) )

But it gets us into difficulties for that very reason - that you are operating on the basis that a certain thing will happen, without actually communicating that or creating an agreement with the other person. 

Relating with others based on expectations makes relationships challenging for both parties, and creates unhappiness and resentments that can be easily avoided. 

When you think someone has expectations of you, how does it feel in your body? Does it feel warm and open? Probably not. You feel constricted, and a desire to rebel! It is natural. 

In a position of leadership, where you are responsible for people you manage to deliver things to you, you might think you don’t need to create agreements. That as a leader you ought to be able to require things of others, and expect them to be delivered. But here it is needed more than ever.

When we relate to other people in our life we have the choice to communicate and create an agreement. When we create agreements, it begins with asking if someone can do something - this creates dialogue and the leader has the opportunity to hear what is possible, and help get to the point where they can create an agreement. 

Creating agreements is respectful to another human’s agency over their lives. It honors a person's individuality and agency. 

Not only that, but people like to keep to an agreement. It is a promise that both people have consciously entered into. Where both parties feel a shared responsibility. Versus expectations which allows someone to put responsibility on other people.

Agreements are creative. It takes two people creating, re-creating and designing an agreement. 

Expectations lead to anxiety, disappointment and even a sense of betrayal. It is hard on the body’s nervous system to navigate life carrying all sorts of expectations. It brings you down, you are less creative and less innovative. You are setting yourself for an emotional rollercoaster. It is completely unnecessary and avoidable. 

This is really important in personal relationships too. The more expectations you have - the more anxious, fearful and depressed you will be. 

Think about this: all the negative things you think about your partner, members of family, aren’t they all based on expectations you have or had that weren’t met or assumptions you made that were borne out? 

If you have no expectations, or don’t make assumptions, then you don’t get disappointed. This is not about settling or denying your desires. It is about not living with an idea about what you want from someone that you have not communicated and sought an agreement about. If you don’t like a situation then you can create an agreement that changes it. 

When challenges arise in a relationship - when needs aren’t being met - you can find a time to share this and request something and see if you can reach an agreement. 

And, as you practice this - a life without expectations -  you might get caught out by your own unconscious expectations that are running the show outside your awareness - you may only notice it when you get into conflict and reflect afterwards “ohhh I see now that I was operating on an unspoken desire that you do X for me and you didn’t know that or agree to that”. When you catch it, great! You have an opportunity for a reset and perhaps to create a new agreement. 

Without expectations there is space for openness, curiosity and a space for surprise in another. 

Shift away from being at the mercy of other people and their potential impact on you by their actions. Instead you take responsibility for yourself and your life experience. 

It starts and ends with you.

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Note: This post was inspired by some of the work of Steve Chandler. You can learn more about Steve’s work here .