On seeking happiness - is it ever attainable? And are we looking in the wrong places?

When I put the word happiness front and centre on my website, clients and trusted friends I had asked for feedback had a mixed reaction. For some it really landed. For others it felt almost a taboo thing to say to people, as if it was a misleading suggestion that people could find happiness. 

I have a theory around this: that happiness is what everyone seeks and yet, it is uncomfortable to have it expressed plainly as an achievable outcome. Why? Because we don’t really believe it is possible. We hope it is. But we don’t really think it is. 

Here’s the thing about happiness. Most of us are meant to be happy. However, happiness will not come to you from the external. Yes, there may be events, fleeting moments when we connect to a feeling of joy and feel happy. But it is fleeting.  

So how do we find and sustain happiness in our lives? 

1 - It needs to come from the inside. 

We get stuck thinking that we will be happy when [fill in the blank] happens. Our intention and focus is on the external. Some external event or set of circumstances arising. The common themes often being around: finding love/a partner, having X amount of money, buying a house (or even a second house!), losing weight, getting promoted at work… and so on. 

When these things don’t happen - or even when they do and they don’t match our expectations - we often feel disappointed and inevitably that impacts our sense of happiness. 

The root of this is because of the persona that we create which is all about how others perceive us, so we go after things that we think will allow us to be accepted by others, to belong and be safe as part of the tribe. But it doesn’t work because it is not about connecting to our true essence and what really matters to us. 

Our nature is to seek, but we seek the wrong things. What we are really meant to seek is ourselves - who we are and what we are meant for, so that our life is attuned to this, which in turn will allow happiness to find us. 

So, instead of looking and seeking outward for X thing to happen to make you happy, the quest is to look inside at becoming who you truly are and that in turn will allow you to be happy. 

The way to experience happiness is to change who we are. 

2 - Happiness is about a state of being - not a destination 

Happiness is about a state of being. It is something we have to cultivate. Often we don’t allow ourselves to be in a state that allows for happiness.

One of the ways we can cultivate a state of being that allows for happiness is through appreciation. I say cultivate because it takes practice and the intention to have appreciation for all the events in our life. Daily. 

Every day we can choose to adopt a way of being where we appreciate what we have now. And for the circumstances we are in. 

What if everything that you experience is here to teach you something?

Do you remember something that happened maybe a year ago that felt like the worst thing - and you allowed to make you feel unhappy - that you now know wasn’t? 

For me, back in 2019 I was living in New York and lost my work visa. It seemed so big and like everything I had built was crashing down. Yet it led me to undertake a transformative training, to do some incredible pro bono work, to be available during the pandemic to hold and support my family, to form new friendships and connect with incredible women, to a spiritual path… SO. MANY. THINGS. Including finding greater meaning and happiness in my life.

So what might be happening now that your future self will see differently? And can you use that to find a way in the here and now to allow yourself to still feel happy? Or at least to appreciate it for what it might bring for you. 

I am not saying this is easy! Which is why we call it a practice :)

I recommend keeping a journal and every day - either at the beginning or end - taking the time to note down at least 3 things that you are grateful for in your life today. By cultivating this perspective and attitude towards life, when the challenging things arise, then too you are able to appreciate them, and even experience happiness along the way. 

Because happiness after all isn’t a destination. But a state of your experience of life as you move through it. It is as much about allowing yourself to be happy. 

So, to answer my question in the title of this blog? Yes, yes yes! 

Happiness is most certainly attainable. 

The path to happiness is both an inward journey - to become who you truly are, and align your life with that - and a conscious daily practice to allow happiness to find you as a way of being, beginning with an appreciation for all that you have and all that you experience. 

If you would like some support and guidance to discover your true self and allow happiness to find you I would love to talk to you.

Schedule a call with me here.

Wishing you a beautiful and happy weekend,

Elle xo