Do you know your primary love language? Knowing this will TRANSFORM your relationship!

There was a LOT online about LOVE this week, being a great marketing moment for people. So I hesitated adding to the noise, but also have just finished reading the book “The 5 love languages” - it has been on my list for ages - and felt that it was a message worth sharing. I hope you will forgive me :)

The 5 love languages: the secret to love that lasts by Gary Chapman sets out to explain that we all have different love languages and why /how it is important to know your own and your partner’s love language. 

The premise of the book is that we each have a primary love language and when we know ours and our partners we have a rich opportunity to give and receive love in a way that connects us deeply in our relationships and creates longer lasting love (beyond the initial ‘honeymoon’ falling in love phase). The author explains that many of the “how to show your partner you love them in 101 different ways…” type solutions for romance and love often fail because they are not tailored to an individual’s way of experiencing and receiving love. Knowing about ours and our partner’s primary love language will make all the difference. 

He categorises the 5 types of love language as being:  

1. Acts of service

2. Gifts

3. Physical touch

4. Quality time 

5. Words of affirmation 

We probably need to include a mix of all of these for a truly healthy sustaining relationship - I know I saw the list and thought “I would like all of these please”!!! 

However when we think about our own desire and our basic human need to feel loved we are going to experience this the most when we are receiving our primary love language from our partner. 

Do you know what yours is from the list above? More importantly perhaps, do you know what your partner’s love language is?! 

You may have been unwittingly loving them using your own love language, which is going to have a limited impact if they really only feel loved when shown in a different way. 

And, you may think you know yours, but it is actually on closer look something else (more on my own revelation with this below). 

Here is a brief rundown of each to help you identify yours more fully:  (you can also scroll down for 3 questions you can ask yourself to work it out!)

#1 Acts of service

This means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. This is the way you express love, knowing that this would be experienced as love by them. This could include all sorts of domestic chores - paying bills, taking the bins out, doing the laundry, walking the dog, washing the car etc etc. Especially if done with a positive spirit! If you both have acts of service as a primary love language, be mindful that different kinds of acts may be more meaningful, so check these out with your partner - what do you or they really value and that makes them feel loved. 

#2 Gifts

Gifts are visual symbols of love and are more important to some people than others. It is not about spending a lot of money on the other person. Some gifts are expensive and some are free. They may be purchased, found or made. Don’t wait for a special occasion. Gifts also include the gift of presence - being there for your partner at a difficult time can be received as a very meaningful gift if receiving gifts is there primary love language. 

#3 Physical touch

If this is yours or your partner’s love language, it is important to find out what kind of touch, as not all touch is created equal! It could mean holding hands, giving regular hugs, writing a letter, finding them tactile gifts. Love touches can be explicit (a back massage or foreplay), others can be implicit (putting your hand on his shoulder as you go past). 

#4 Quality time 

This is about giving someone your undivided attention - looking at each other and talking to each other. Perhaps over a meal together, or out on a walk. Giving the other person your full attention (no smart phones or TV to distract you!) It doesn’t mean gazing into each other’s eyes. It is more about doing something together where you are entirely focused on spending time together. It could even include folding laundry together! 

I loved what the author shared when he said: “when I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love.” Wow. This made me think not only of my husband, but my children and friends too. How we can gift each other our lives and how precious that is. [Perhaps the impact on me of reading this was a good indicator that this is my primary love language!]

If quality time is your partner’s love language, you might want to write a list of all the things you think they would enjoy doing together. Things they have mentioned throughout the time you have been together. 

#5 Words of affirmation 

One way to express love emotionally is to use words - verbal compliments or words of appreciation. Simple, straightforward words of affirmation such as “You always make me laugh” or “You look great in that outfit”. This also includes offering words of encouragement to your partner, especially if you know they experience some doubt about something. 

Has this helped you identify yours? 

If you are still unsure here are 3 questions you can ask: 

1. What does your partner do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you is probably your love language. 

2. What have you most often requested of your partner? That thing is probably the thing that would make you feel most loved. 

3. In what ways do you regularly express love to your partner? That gives a big clue as to what you are hoping to receive from them! 

I know for me personally, it was so illuminating to review these. I had always assumed that acts of service was my primary love language - I really do feel happy when my husband takes the bins out or does bedtime with our children! 

However, on reading this I realised that what makes me feel most loved is quality time - particularly being able to spend time talking together (and being listened to with curiosity most of all). When this happens, I know my “love tank” (as he calls it in the book) is filled up, and then I really don’t mind about taking on the running of the house. In fact, I quite enjoy it (controlling perhaps?!!), and have realised that when I start feeling unappreciated in that arena, it is usually a sign that I need more time and attention from my husband, not that I need him to do a load of laundry. Knowing this feels HUGE. It allows me to hear my own inner warning bells, and then I can take positive action to ask for what I need, rather than complaining about household chores which doesn’t make me feel better or give me the outcome I truly want. 

I would love to know what you discovered and how it makes you feel to know this. 

Happy loving!

Elle xo