What we move through when we experience a pivotal life change. The 3 phases of transition.

A few months ago I moved house. It was the third move in twelve months, and hopefully the last for a while as we put down roots in my beloved home city.  As a result I have been thinking a lot about what makes a home, belonging, and how we move through transitional events like this. 

When you experience a major life event - whether or not of your own choosing -  it changes everything you thought you knew about yourself. These pivotal life moments call us to grow.

There is the external event - the situational change (in my case, buying a house) - and then there is the internal, psychological change which is the emotional and psychological experience of moving through a transition. 

I wanted to share what happens when we move through a transition in our life, whether an expected one or the unexpected. Sometimes big changes are unexpected. A loss of job or loved one, a big break up, illness… Often they come with anticipation : preparing to get married, expecting a baby….preparing to say goodbye to a person or place. 

the 3 phases of transition….

when we go through a life transition we go through three phases: 

• an ending (experienced as a separation)

• an empty period in-between, a liminal space

• a new beginning (the return)

Just like the transitions in nature - leaves falling, the fallow period of winter, spring bringing new life, so too is the human experience of transition. We must shed our leaves (letting go – the ending), ride out the empty fallow period, and wait for new life to emerge again - albeit in a different shape. 

Life transitions are not a linear process, with these phases often overlapping. But all transitions do begin with an ending, even if we don’t see that an ending has taken place until later on! 

And whilst it might not always feel this way, transitions (chosen by you or for you) are a doorway to growing, becoming whole and fulfilling your potential. 

Transition is a natural process of disorientation and reorientation. You question who am I now? We may even caveat that question by reference to the event itself. For example, who am i now that i am a parent? A divorcee? A widow? An orphan? An expat? A new business owner? 

What if we take away the label of the situation and instead live into the questions. 

Who am i now/becoming?

Who am i really? What has this experience unlocked about the real me? 

Why am i here?

What am i meant to be doing ? 

Where do i go and what do i do now / next?

A major change to your identity can feel very threatening to the ego which has created a persona around the type of person you are in the world. When something major happens you may not want to be that person (you may not feel able to be that person) and that is very threatening to the system.

You have separated from your old self. You may be feeling that separation now. Or in that liminal space where the old one has gone but not fully stepped into the new way of being. Feeling that separateness - the isolation - despite it being a ‘common’ life event. It can be a painful and confusing time. 

But at the point the ego freaks out, the soul can step in and say - it is okay -  we are here for this purpose. The soul sees this as an opportunity to grow and transform. 

The real purpose of an individual rite of passage - which is what is occurring when we go through a major transition in our lives - is to awaken to who we truly are. 

Once this process has started there is no going back. Which is a great thing -it  means we have to go forward. To find our way through the middle ground, the in-between space of not knowing. 

By making life transitions conscious, you can move through this challenging period of change in a way that it becomes a powerful meaningful transformation for you and your life. To transform = to move from one form to another. 

From the liminal not knowing who you are anymore space, to feeling you have arrived in this new home for yourself... and know what to do next. 

As the mythologist Michael Meade shares: When we stand in the river of change, visions of the future can come to us.

We have this opportunity to carve out a new path - a new sense of self, and of what we want to do with our lives. How we want to show up, how we want to spend our precious time on this earth. It seems as though it is hard for us humans to create a new vision for ourselves and our lives without being thrown into a period of change and uncertainty. Even if that uncertainty comes from within. When we lose the sense of control over our life, the sense of knowing what to expect, it creates space for visions of a new future to emerge.

As Mary Oliver wisely says in her wonderful poem The Summer Day, it allows space to consider what you want to do “with your one wild and precious life?” 

Without major life events that shake us to our core we might never pause to answer this question.

Elle xo